'Saturday Night Live' taps Matt Damon to play an angry Brett Kavanaugh
OK, we were wrong about who would be playing Brett Kavanaugh in the inevitable sketch about Thursday's Senate Judiciary Committee hearing in the season premiere of "Saturday Night Live." Our money was on Beck Bennett, the show's go-to cast member tapped to play all male establishment Washington figures.
The opening skit picked up after the testimony of Christine Blasey Ford and just before the entry of Kavanaugh, whom chairman Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) said had been "shadowboxing in the men's room for the past 45 minutes."
In walked Matt Damon as Kavanaugh, who promised, "I'm gonna start at an 11. I'm gonna take it to about a 15 real quick."
Reading from prepared remarks he claimed to have written himself "while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos," Kavanaugh sneered, "I'm here because of a sham perpetrated by the Clintons, George Soros, Kathy Griffin, the gay mafia and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I'm usually an optimist – a 'the keg is half-full' kind of guy. But what I've seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke – and not from beer."
"Dr. Ford has no evidence – none," he insisted. "And meanwhile, I've got these ... calendars. These beautiful creepy calendars. I'm lifting weights with P.J. and Squee. But you don't care about that, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, my parents and Alyssa Friggin Milano?"
"Well, guess what? I'm not backing down, you sons of (expletives). I don't know the meaning of the word 'stop.' To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood's character from 'Gran Torino': 'Get the hell off my lawn!' "
Next came a barrage of questions from the senators on the panel.
California Democrat Diane Feinstein (Cecily Strong): "Judge Kavanaugh, are you saying that all the claims of Dr. Ford, Ms. Ramirez and Ms. Swetnick are false?"
Kavanaugh fired back, "Uh, doy! You want an investigation? Just look at my calendar. Every night, I was lifting weights with P.J and Squee and Handsy Hank." (He returned to this defense several times and each time his friends' nicknames grew more unprintable.)
Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) didn't have a question, just a comment: "I'd just like to say the Democrats have behaved like cowards. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired to act as a human shield."
"SNL" alumna Rachel Dratch played Minnesota Democrat Amy Klobuchar, whose exchange with Kavanaugh was one of the most fraught with tension.
"Would you say that in high school, you were a frequent drinker?" she asked.
Damon's Kavanaugh got defensive, saying, "Look, I like beer, OK. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!"
Klobuchar continued, "So I asked if you drank in high school and you said 'I like beer' 10 times.' That leads me to my next question: Did you ever drink too many beers?"
Kavanaugh: "Do you mean was I cool? Yeah!"
Klobuchar: "Tell me this then, Judge. Did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?"
Kavanaugh: "I don't know. Did you? Huh? Did you ever black out?"
When Dratch's Klobuchar responded incredulously, he grew sheepish, admitting, "Sorry, I think I blacked out for a second."